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F… U… Quicky

Another cold, lonely December night. I stare at my plate and sigh. This was not how I expected my twenties to come to an end. Well, you made your bed. You bloody well make sure to lie on it, says my brain. I sigh again and use the plastic fork to pop a few mouthfuls. The taste is horrid, as expected. I try to remember how old the fork was and fail at the task. I don’t even remember if I washed the damn fork the last time I used it.

My mobile chimes with the dulcet tone of an incoming email and I swipe the screen open. ‘HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY,’ the email subject shouts in all caps, and I wince. Fuck! I had all but forgotten your damned existence, my bane! Didn’t I dump you for a better alternative? Why are you hounding me? I don’t give two hoots if it is our second anniversary or seventieth anniversary. My miserable life was going on quite well without your bloody meddling, thank you very much. Despite myself, I open the mail.

Hey you! I miss you. Of course, you do, you spawn of hell! Two years ago, tonight was our first date. You ordered mutton biriyani and murgh malai tikka from Mars Restaurant. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do. The order was thirty minutes late, and I was pissed off. It was my first day as a bonafide single after being dumped by Shivani after a five-year-long relationship. Shivani! Shit, I have even forgotten how she looked. She was hot, right? Not very sure. All I remember was her saying that I had become a bit plumpy. Plumpy! Is that even a word? Not sure. Anyway, that’s not the point. I came in contact with you the very night Shivani had called me plumpy. I mean, she was being kind to my face. I had overheard her telling Kshitij that I was so fat that I couldn’t see my own… feet. Fuck you too. As if you had an hourglass figure. And bitching about me to someone who had ‘shit’ in his name–not cool at all.

So, yeah! The order was thirty minutes late, and I was about to blow my top. You convinced me to spare the poor delivery guy. You argued that it was a Saturday night and there was a heavy demand for deliveries. I accepted your arguments at face value like the gullible fool I was. I should have known what a manipulative bitch you were right then. Oh yeah, you were manipulative. Don’t fucking try to argue otherwise. You made me do things I didn’t want to, okay? Like, I fucking hate seafood and you goaded me into trying some Rava-fried pomfret on a rainy July afternoon. Authentic Goan cuisine, you had said, and I had given in. Fucking, I became an addict to that bloody dish, okay? Do you know that? Of course, you do.

You remember every fucking thing, don’t you? I should have known better before entering into a relationship with you. Mornings, afternoons, and nights passed with you playing me like a cheap plastic mouth organ. You made me indulge in my shameful fantasies. You encouraged me by gifting me with worthless baubles. Obviously, I didn’t recognize them for the useless trinkets they were. When I did, it was too damn late. Your claws had sunk inside my flesh way too deep.

Getting rid of you was a herculean task. Something I’m proud of till this very moment. And you dare spoil my minuscule victory by writing to me again? Well, I wouldn’t have expected any lesser from you. From the minute I dumped you, this has been your two hundred and forty-seventh email. After the first three, I have religiously marked each and every single one of your following mails as spam, but you are not one to give up. You are a bit of a psychopath, aren’t you? I got a hint about your neurosis when you got someone called Anwar to call me and tried to convince that breaking up with you was a bad idea. I mean, who the fuck is Anwar? Does he know the disastrous relationship between us?

Only way later did I realize that you had pulled the same shit you had done with me multiple times before. I mean, talk about a parasitic relationship! Trust me, any modern dictionary would have your name across the word parasite.

It has been six months since I ditched you for something better. Of course, we don’t have the explosive chemistry that you and I shared, and to tell you the truth, sometimes I hate my new and improved lifestyle. Fuck, I’m not ashamed to say that I miss you. Yeah, I lied before when I said that I had forgotten about your existence. Why would I have saved all your emails in a separate folder then? But trust me when I say this, we are better apart. I have my new choices and you have a lot of other gullible people to exploit.

Let’s make it a night to remember!

No! I don’t want to.

Let’s re-live our first date!

Please, no!

I shove mouthfuls of lettuce and cabbage and chew them loudly. I will not get tempted, I will not get tempted by you.

Just click to re-order the following two items from our esteemed partner, Mars Restaurant.

1 X Mutton Biriyani

1 x Murgh Malai Tikka

Winky emoji!

Damn it! I throw away my salad and click the green button on my mobile screen to re-order. I add a Rava-fried pomfret as well. What the hell! A message flashes, ‘Your Quicky order has been received by Mars Restaurant. Tasty food will be on its way to you soon.’

I look down. I still can’t see my… feet.

Fuck you Quicky!


This Post Has 14 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Omg it was too funny!… I actually re-read the whole story again after reading the last few lines… such an unexpected twist… although I don’t like so many f words but the story did make me laugh… the write up was very nicely framed together by the author… my rating 8/10

  2. Avatar
    Lakshmi Menon

    So… midway I guessed it was some online platform…just waiting for the reveal.

    It was quicky and not tomato.

    I enjoyed reading this creative take on the second anniversary.

    My rating 8/10

  3. Avatar

    Very quirky and funny and the twist was very clever. It made me want to go back and read all over again. It had too many F words in it, which could have been reduced and the agony of the narrator could have been highlighted more. 7.5/10

  4. Avatar

    What was that? Seemed like a personal vent-out. Nice twist. That was funny. Fs became a little unbearable after a point.
    Rating -7

  5. Avatar
    Moonmoon Chowdhury

    An imaginative idea. However, the suspense, spanning almost the whole story, made it difficult for the reader in me to remain truly invested in it.
    My rating 7/10

  6. Avatar

    The plot was well thought and humour added to it. The F word was used too many times that marred the read. 6

  7. Avatar
    Sudha Viswanath

    Too many f words could have been curtailed and the agony could have been explained in any other form. Plot was unique. 6/10

  8. Avatar

    Quirky take on the prompt that also highlighted the hold technology has over our lives. Language was easy flowing. Excessive use of the f word madev the reading jarring abs at one point the reader in me wanted to stop reading. The premise is good. If this was intended to be a teenager’s vent out/rant, it worked well, though would have liked to see the pain of loneliness being shown than told. Very early in the story figured that it was an app so it didn’t v have the surprise element for me. Rate this 6/10.

  9. Avatar
    Urmi Chakravorty

    Quite an out-of-the-box, quirky anniversary idea, this one – so kudos for thinking creatively! The fun elements were woven well into the events…a lot of self-deprecating humour! This can well qualify as every foodie’s autobiography – the diet plans that finally fly out of the window!
    I’m curious to understand the purpose behind the ample use of cuss words – is it a GenNxt youngster’s rant or is it a means of normalising new-age lingo in formal writing? Here, I’m genuinely curious and am not being judgmental.
    My rating – 7.5 on 10

  10. Avatar

    This one got me well and truly. I wasn’t even aware of this app and was left scratching my head. But I loved the clever misleading and the subtle humour. The narration, trying to showcase the angst of a new age youngster went just a little overboard with its cussing. But maybe I’m a little outdated and old fashioned.

    My rating: 8/10

  11. Avatar
    Dakshata Kudanekar

    Such an out of beat idea it was. But narration could have been a bit better. Too many Fs had me lost interest mid way. Rating 6/10

  12. Avatar

    Haha, nice twist to the tale. I had to give a second reading to enjoy ur take.
    Rating 7 (1 point less so that u wash your mouth, so much Effing)

  13. Avatar

    The narrative was very clever. I enjoyed reading because of the variation, the dialogue. It gives a good idea about the character. Interesting usage of tense. And of course the creativity in the concept. My overall rating is 8/10.

  14. Avatar
    Ashvani Sachdev

    An out-of-the-ordinary take on the prompt. I can well empathise with this youngster who is into food substance misuse! The comparison of an app and a live person is interesting and would have been more readable if the only four-letter word starting with an ‘f’ was food! But WTF! 7/10

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